PURGATORY:MISSING SCENES
by Patcat
Summary: My take
1. Chapter 1

Part One

"Oh, God," he thought as he watched her walk away. "I've gone from Purgatory to Hell."

He turned and stared at the dead rat glaring at him from the drawer. He leaned down and discretely as he could took a brief whiff of the creature.

"No decomp," he thought. "A fresh kill…" He couldn't find any visible marks on the rat. "Probably poisoned…Probably from one of the traps around…You can always find a rat in New York City…"

He delicately gripped the rat by its tale. He made no effort to hide it or what he was doing, and he felt several eyes on him as he dropped the carcass in the wastebasket, carefully wrapped it up in the garbage bag lining the basket, and securely tied off the bag. He picked up the bag, and walked to the elevators. It was late enough that few people shared the car with him. Once on the ground floor, he walked quickly to the back of the building, and dropped the bag in the dumpster. He'd left the back door propped open, and returned to the eleventh floor, grateful that he didn't recognize the handful of people in the car with him. He headed immediately to the men's room when he arrived at the Major Case Squad room, and furiously scrubbed his hands. When he arrived back at his desk, he half-expected to find another rat in its drawers. He certainly felt that he at least partially deserved one, not for his treatment of Stoats and his pursuit of his badge, but for what he had done to Alex Eames. He froze as the terrible, awful thought that Alex might have placed the rodent in his desk floated through his hyperactive brain.

"No," he thought. "Eames hates bad cops more than you do…And…even in her greatest anger or worst moment, she wouldn't do that to anyone…She knows what being a rat means…" He shook his head. "I…I didn't read her…I've never been able to really read her…I…I couldn't risk…She has to understand that…I couldn't tell her…I…I didn't…Expect her to be that angry. Angry, yes, but not like that…I though she'd understand…I had to get my badge back…I had to get back with her…"

A shadow fell over his desk.

"Detective…A moment," Captain Ross said quietly.

A stone in his chest, Bobby followed the Captain into his office.

Ross hesitated. "Logan," he finally said deliberately. "Told me about the rat. He saw you throw it away."

Bobby winced, and rubbed the back of his neck.

"He was furious," Ross continued. "And, frankly, so am I. You are many things, Detective. Infuriating, exasperating, stubborn and smart among them. But you are not a rat. Stoat…Stoat is a rat."

Bobby stared at his feet. "I…I understand why he…It wasn't just the money and the drugs…Those were less important than the feelings…of entitlement…and anger…"

"You may understand those feelings," Ross said. "But you never acted on them…Believe me, Detective…If I find out who put that thing in your desk…"

Bobby waved a hand. "It doesn't matter…If it lets someone blow off some steam…It's fine…It's…It's Eames I'm worried about…"

Ross sighed. "I know…I've tried to explain to her that you wanted to tell her…To talk with her…To tell her what you were doing…That the decision that she had to be out of the loop came from the Brass…and from me. After she caught the case, it was just too dangerous." He smiled weakly. "She wasn't listening to anything yesterday. She seemed calmer today."

"She…she was angrier today," Bobby said. "When she's quiet, she's really angry." He stared at his feet. "I…I didn't really register it yesterday…What with closing the case…I…I was stunned." He shook his head. "I should've at least answered her calls…"

"Goren," Ross said patiently. "You had orders…from me and the Chief…not to have any contact with her…Any…"

"She's not just my partner," Bobby muttered. "She's my friend…I owed her…"

"Detective," Ross said patiently. "She'll cool off…Through all of this she's been your biggest supporter…She's contacted all of the support systems…She's gotten testimonials from other officers for you…She's pushed as much as she can…She didn't do all of that just to give up on you…"

Bobby rubbed the back of his neck. "He doesn't know," he thought. "He doesn't understand how angry she is…He doesn't understand how deep…how complicated our relationship is…I don't think I did…Ross doesn't know I came back for two reasons…Not just the job…Eames…I came back for Eames…"

"Know this, Detective," Ross continued. "I'm glad you're back…I want you and Eames to hit the ground running tomorrow…Once you're back working, I think things will be all right…"

"They won't," Bobby thought. "This is it…It's been coming for a long time…but this is it." He looked at Ross. "Yes, Sir," he said.

"Now," Ross said. "Go home…You look fairly good. I want you to stay that way. And if I find out who put that thing in your desk, there will be consequences."

"Don't worry about it, Captain," Bobby said wearily as he stood. "It's not worth your time." He picked up his binder and, without looking at the others in the office, strode from the room. As he neared the elevators, he felt nearly as depressed as he had the night Stoats found him in the bar. He reached to push the elevator button, and sensed someone behind him.

"Goren," Mike Logan said. "I was just leaving. Mind if I ride down with you?"

"Sure you want to be seen with me?" Bobby asked after a beat.

"Sure you want to be seen with me?" Logan replied genially as the elevator doors opened.

The presence of others in the elevator kept Bobby from answering until the car held only Logan and himself.

"The only other cop I'd want to be seen with is Eames," Bobby said.

"Wow." Logan shook his head. "I'm right up there with Eames…I'm honored, Goren, I really am."

Bobby stared at the flashing numbers. "Thank you…for telling the Captain about the…you know…"

"The bastard who put that thing in your desk is lucky I didn't see him," Logan snorted. "Would've stuffed it down his throat."

"That would've been a little drastic," Bobby said. "But, again…thanks…"

"Hey," Logan continued as they neared the lobby. "Let me buy you a drink in celebration of your return to the living. And you can buy me one for all the extra work I've done while you're gone."

Bobby hesitated. He'd gotten in the habit of drinking too much during his suspension. Lewis had gently chided him about it when they worked on some cars. He wanted to end the habit, and he didn't want to run into any cops. But he didn't want to return to his empty apartment, and, while he felt a strange need to talk to someone, ripping out his soul to Dr. Olivet wasn't appealing. He'd spent a lot of hours ripping out his soul, and he simply couldn't face another one. And Logan…he knew he could trust Logan.

"I know a place where we won't run into any cops," Logan said, as if he read Bobby's mind. "There's times when I don't want to be around my fellow officers. And don't worry…I never drank as much as you might've heard…And I've cut back…"

Bobby half smiled. "You know, Logan, I think your gut has more magic than mine. Especially lately."

Logan grinned. "Hey, hard work, it's hard work. Which I suspect is the same for you.'

"You're on to me, Logan," Bobby said. "I guess..." He fumbled with his binder. "I guess I gotta go with you."

"Good," Logan said and waved for a cab.

"But I gotta warn you," Bobby said. "I may not be the best company tonight."

"Warning noted," Logan said as a cab pulled up.

The bar was far enough away from One Police Plaza that Bobby knew few Major Case cops would know of let alone frequent it. When they stopped, Logan had the fare paid before Bobby could reach for his wallet. The bar was small and welcoming, lively enough to have a slight buzz, but not so noisy that it was annoying. The staff knew and liked Logan.

"So, Mike," the pretty, blonde, thirty-something waitress said as she took their orders. "Who's your friend with the chocolate eyes?" She winked at Bobby, who blushed and stared at his feet as if he were thirteen. He realized that it had been a very long time since a woman had flirted with him.

"This," Logan said expansively. "Is Bobby Goren…One of the best detectives in the NYPD and a great guy."

"I won't hold the source of that testimonial against him," the waitress laughed and headed off to get their drinks.

Bobby stared at the designs in the table's dark wood. "That…that's kind of you, Logan…to say that…But right now…I don't feel much like either thing…"

"Don't let the Brass get you down, Goren," Logan replied. "I've had a few suspensions…I think they may be good for you…Give you time to think…and make the Department realize it needs you…"

Bobby ran a finger along the table's edge. "Or…or make you realize how much you need the job…"

The waitress returned with their drinks and brushed her arm against Bobby's as she sat them on the table.

"She likes you," Logan smiled.

Bobby blushed again.

"Goren," Logan said after he sipped his drink. "Have you been keeping up with what's been going on with the Department?"

"Not…not much…Eames tried to tell me…" The thought of Alex darkened Bobby's mind.

"The Chief of D's probably needs you a lot right now." Logan leaned across the table. "SVU lost a detective a couple of weeks ago…a guy new to the squad who came over from Brooklyn, I think…I'm not sure of the details, but something from his past came up…A good detective in my old station house…Ed Green…IAB cleared him, but he resigned anyway…He worked with my old partner, Lennie Briscoe…" Logan leaned back in his seat and took another drink. "God, I miss Lennie…Anyway…Green was a good detective….Something from his past bit him, too…My point is…The Chief needs all the detectives he can get…He's alienated a lot of people…I know Ross isn't a regular at his poker games anymore…Just don't think you owe him anything…You've already saved his butt enough…"

Bobby stared into the depths of his drink. "I…I don't care about the Chief…I owe him a good job…That's all…Ross…I owe him and I'll pay him back…" He turned the glass in his hands. "It…It's Eames…She…She does all of this stuff for me…And…And I didn't even tell her I was undercover…"

"She knows the rules, Goren," Logan said, not without sympathy. "When you're undercover, sometimes you can't talk to anybody…"

"Yea," Bobby said. "It…It was seeing me…I…I sorta of expected her to come in that door…Ross warned me she was heading the investigation…And it still scared the hell out of me…I can't imagine what it was like for her…God…I mean…no insult to you…but I can talk to you, but not to her…What's going on with me?"

"They're making you get counseling, right? Is that helping? Or are you shrinking the shrink?" Logan asked.

Bobby knew somehow that Logan's comments weren't meant cruelly. "Yea…Dr. Olivet…She…she's actually helping…"

Logan was suddenly quiet. "Yea," he finally said. "I…I talked with her after I…My partner got killed…And…and after that shooting…She's good at her job…"

The waitress appeared with replacements for their drinks. The two men sat silently drinking for several minutes.

"I gotta talk to Eames," Bobby said like a man determined to go to his execution.

Logan nodded. "Yea…I think you do…and should…I've lost partners, Goren…A good partnership is worth saving…" He took a long drink. "And God help us if we wind up partners…"

"That…that's your reason for doing this?" Bobby said warily.

"Yea…purely selfish." Logan smiled. "But…" He grew serious. "Really, Goren…I…Well, you're a good cop…She's a good cop…You've got something great…Don't give it up without a fight…"

Bobby took a deep breath. "Thanks, Logan…I'll…I'll try…" He finished his drink. "I…I'll try now…"

"Before you go," Logan said. "I want to know…You could go other places…Do other things…Why was it so important to get your badge back?"

Bobby stood, and for a moment Logan thought he had pushed too far. Bobby rubbed the back of his neck. "Pride, I guess," he said. "Wanting to prove myself…The familiar…For Ross…For Deakins…For cops like you…But mostly…mostly for Eames." He nodded at Logan. "Thanks."

Logan watched as Bobby walked away.

END PART ONE


	2. Chapter 2

PART TWO

When Alex Eames confirmed what her father already knew and announced she was headed to the NYPD Academy, he was surprisingly calm. "You're more than tough enough…and smart enough, Lexie," he said admiringly. "But I don't know if you'll be able to control that temper of yours." It took several incidents where she rammed her head against the blue brick walls of the NYPD, but Alex learned to reign in that temper and channel it into a cold, efficient anger. Her family, her friends, Joe, her partners—especially Bobby Goren—learned to watch out for the moments when her usually warm green eyes became the color of a stormy sea and she became very quiet. As she drove away from One Police Plaza, Alex's eyes were as stormy as they ever had been. It wasn't just anger that raged inside her. Fear and grief joined that, and the three emotions swept through her from the moment she found herself staring at Bobby's gun. At first, she couldn't comprehend that her partner, her friend—and even with all of her conflicting feelings towards Bobby, Alex still thought of him as both her partner and friend—could be standing in front of her pointing a gun at her. Although Bobby quickly dropped the gun and fell to the floor, the few seconds they stood staring at each other were the longest of Alex's life. She didn't dare get near Bobby as he and Stoat and the drug dealer were brought in. She was grateful at first that Ross swept her up and took her with him as they drove to Major Case, but she was puzzled by his silence and became increasingly baffled as Ross walked with her to the holding cells.

She squealed to a stop at a red light. "How could he?" she thought. "After all I did for him…after annoying Ross every day…after getting cops to write testimonials for him…after contacting the union…I put myself on the line for him…I dragged him out of his apartment…I made sure he want to his sessions…I took him to dinners…lunches…breakfasts…Found him work as a security guard…Free lancer…"

The sound of a horn alerted her to the fact the light was now green. She hit the gas pedal a bit more enthusiastically than she should have, and her car lurched forward. "I put up with his silences…I put myself and my career on hold for him…I've lied for him…I've given up any chance for advancement…" She took a deep breath. "He never asked me to do any of those things…He always warned me…He always tried to protect me…He always tried to get me to get on task forces…He wouldn't have let me help him with the Tates thing if I hadn't found out about it…You know the rules about undercover work…And what Ross told you…That Bobby had to stay quiet…Word from the Chief…That jerk…" Alex shook her head. "I certainly don't want to be part of the Brass…If I ever did, the Chief of D's is a good argument against them…But…but…Bobby…He nearly gets himself killed…killed by me…And he has the gall to act hurt when I call him on it. I'm…I'm confused…I need to talk to someone…Bobby…Damnit…This is the sort of thing I used to talk to Bobby about, and I can't…." She stared down the road. "But there is someone…."

Roughly an hour later, Alex stopped her car in the parking lot of a steak house in the wilds of Connecticut. She blinked at the dim light as she entered the dark, heavily wooded interior. She found the bar, and, in the corner, nursing a bourbon, the man she sought.

"Hello, Alex," James Deakins said as he stood. "Please…sit down. I've got a strawberry margarita coming for you."

"Thank you…" For a moment, Alex had no idea of how to address her former captain.

"Jimmy," Deakins said calmly. "I'm not your Captain any more, and I'd feel ancient if you called me Mr. Deakins."

"Jimmy," Alex said. "Thank you…thank you for doing so…on such…"

"It's all right," Deakins said. "Tonight is Angie's night out with her sisters. Out youngest has an internship this summer and isn't at home. The middle one…the "wild child"…" Deakins smiled. "She's volunteering at a summer camp for inner city kids. And the oldest is having dinner with her fiancée. I'm a bachelor tonight."

The waitress sat Alex's drink in front of her. Alex took a long drink and briefly closed her eyes against the headache that had lurked in her head most of the day.

"I understand that congratulations…and condolences…are in order," Deakins said carefully. "Goren's back on the job."

Alex opened her eyes and stared into her drink. "Yea…"

"Tell me about it…"

Alex hadn't intended or expected to reveal everything to Deakins. She'd called him in hopes of finding a sympathetic ear for her frustrations with Bobby and the department. But, whether fueled by the large quantity of rum in her drink, her exhaustion, her anger, or her fear, everything poured out. Her anger at the department, at the Chief, at Ross, and at Bobby; every slight, every cruel, passing comment directed at either her or Bobby, every action by anyone; and, the most devastating moment for her, the instant when she nearly killed her partner and friend. She didn't cry, she didn't yell, but everything flooded out of her. When, after nearly a half an hour, the deluge finally ended, Alex stared numbly into her empty glass.

"I…I'm sorry," she whispered. "I…I'm not sure where all that came from…"

Deakins sat quietly and stoically through Alex's declarations. "Look, Alex…I'm not the profiler Bobby is…I'm not the detective you are…but I think what's going on here…You're angry…You have every right to be angry…The Department…which is like your family…Much more than for me or Bobby…It looks like it turned on you…And part of it did…It certainly turned on Bobby…"

"You…" Alex looked up at him. "You would've found a way to protect Donny…Bobby would've never had to…"

"Maybe…maybe not," Deakins said. "Ross is a good man…But he hasn't had the same experiences I did…He's walking a dangerous political tightrope…But I believe he's one of the good guys…The fact he kept you in Major Case and fought for Bobby says that."

Alex stirred the remains of her margarita. "Yea…"

"I think…your anger at Bobby…You can get angry at him…You can't get angry at the Chief…or the Department….But Bobby…And you have the right to be angry with him Maybe he should've found some way to contact you. But he probably felt this was the only way to get his badge back." Deakins leaned forward. "But it's not all about his badge, Alex. You know I managed to get his some work from the company I'm with?"

She nodded.

"I offered him a job," Deakins said. "I know other departments offered him positions. Even with the suspension he was wanted by a lot of people. But he turned them down. Now, I'm sure part of it was pride…Part of it was that Major Case is perfect for him in many ways…But a lot of it…most of it…was you. He wants to work with you."

Alex looked at Deakins. "Me? But…"

"He always valued you…From the moment he sensed you were going to stay," Deakins said firmly. "It's why I held on to that damn letter and didn't send it up. A day before he told me that you were the first partner to really listen to him. He was always asking me if he was hurting you. He was always telling me how important you were to him. He may not have said it to you, but he always gave you credit. You're not just his assistant, Alex. You never were."

"Why…why are you…" Alex struggled to control her shifting emotions.

"Because I don't want to see the bad guys win," Deakins replied. "Because I put you two together and I feel responsible. Because the two of you are special…You're extraordinary as individual cops. As a team…" He shook his head. "I've never seen anything like it. And I want you to win."

"I think," Alex said shakily after several moments. "I need to talk to Bobby."

"Just remember, Alex," Deakins said. "You don't owe him an apology. He does need to be more open with you. But also remember…He's been through a lot in the past couple of years…It's not an excuse…but it's an explanation."

Alex stood. "Thank…thank you…Jimmy…Thank you."

"You're welcome," Deakins answered. "And remember…you can always work for me again."

Alex smiled weakly. "I…We…may just do that…"

"Ok, Goren," Deakins thought as he watched Alex walk away. "Don't blow it…"

END PART TWO

Ok, so a lot of assumptions, including that Alex and Bobby have stayed in touch with Deakins, and that they maintained some contact during his suspension. And chapter hijacked by Logan and Deakins. But I've always found it best to let characters do as they wished.

And thanks for the kind reviews and great interest in this.

Patcat


	3. Chapter 3

PART THREE

Captain Danny Ross stood at the Major Case Squad entrance and surveyed the room. It was very early, and only Bobby Goren and Megan Wheeler were at their desks. Wheeler saw him and gave him a slight nod of acknowledgement, but Goren was deeply involved in several files. Ross walked to his office, hung up his dripping raincoat, and stood looking out over Major Case. He couldn't believe that the rodent in Goren's desk had come from any one in the squad. For one thing, any detective who made it to Major Case was too professional to engage in that kind of behavior. A Major Case detective might hate someone's guts, but would never show it. Ross also knew both Goren and Eames had plenty of supporters, if only for their remarkable solve rate and abilities to make the whole squad look good. Throughout Goren's long suspension, no one had questioned when Ross would fill the resulting vacancy. The only question Ross got was when Goren was coming back. The testimonials Eames gathered for her partner included the names of nearly every Major Case detective. Ross shook his head. He was certain the rat had come from outside Major Case. Whatever its origins, the rat's appearance meant that there was at least one cop—probably many cops—unwilling to cover the back of another cop, and that was bad for not only Goren, but for Eames, for Ross, for Major Case, and for the NYPD.

Ross studied Goren. In his time as the Major Case Captain, Ross had never beaten Goren into the office unless the detective had a rare day off or was following a lead. There were times when the captain thought the detective might live in the squad room. Ross thought he'd never seen a happier man than Bobby Goren when he got his gun and badge back. He looked and acted like Ross' sons on Christmas mornings when they were younger. And last night Goren looked as devastated as Ross had ever seen a man, and Ross knew it wasn't just that rat. It was Alex Eames' icy shoulder. Its sharp blade had cut Ross, but the captain thought it might have severed one of Goren's arteries. Ross thought that Goren, deeply involved with the interrogation and booking of Stoat, hadn't quite registered the depths of Eames' anger. The captain knew he hadn't.

"At least," Ross thought. "Eames hasn't asked for a transfer…She seems willing to continue to work with Goren…And I've fought this long for both of them…I'm not going to break them up…Not unless I have to fight them…"

Ross sighed and sat at his desk. He was deep in a report when there was a knock at his door. Ross looked up to see a troubled looking Bobby Goren. Ross motioned for the detective to come.

"Captain…I…I need to talk to you…"

Ross recognized the form in Goren's hand. "No," he thought. "Not after everything…"

END PART THREE

Yes, it's short, but it seemed a good (cliff hanging) point to stop. And the next part is going to be difficult, and I wanted to have something posted on it before the weekend.


	4. Chapter 4

PART FOUR

PART FOUR

By the time she arrived at Major Case the next day, Alex had already consumed two cups of very strong, very black coffee. Her meeting with Deakins had postponed her appointment with her bed, and when she finally fell into the embrace of her sheets and pillows, she spent much of the night tossing and turning. The few moments of sleep that came to her were plagued by visions of her pulling her gun on Bobby. At several points in the night she considered calling Bobby. Even before Jo Gage's attack on her, Bobby had been her go to guy when nightmares plagued her. The memories of how Bobby treated her in the days after that ordeal swept over her. She remembered how she woke in her hospital bed to find him, occasionally asleep but more often reading or watching her. He was so good to her after she left the hospital, making sure that her house was safe and clean and free of anything that could remind her of the attack. He replaced all of her curtains with blinds, and hesitantly asked if he could buy her another bird. He drove her to her therapy sessions and tried to keep her in the loop with the department gossip, although he'd never paid much attention to it.

And then his mother became ill—or rather, became more ill—and Bobby began a terrible slide away from Alex. As she showed her ID to the security at One Police Plaza, Alex thought that Bobby's decline might have started with James Deakins' resignation, or, worse, from the discovery of her damned transfer request.

"Some of this had something to do with you," Alex thought as she stepped into the elevator. "He deserved what you said to him. But not because of the undercover work. You know he couldn't tell you as a cop…And as a friend he might have been trying to protect you." Alex leaned against the elevator wall. "This may be it…We may be at a point where there's no coming back…"

The elevator reached the eleventh floor, and Alex stepped out of the car.

"Eames…"

Alex turned to see Mike Logan, who held out a bag of Skittles. "Had breakfast?"

Alex smiled. "As much as I like them, Skittles are not my idea of breakfast."

"Ok…but never let it be said I didn't offer you a meal." Logan popped several brightly colored candies in his mouth. "Hey…Can I talk to you for a minute?"

Alex regarded him warily. Logan was definitely on her list of the good guys. During Bobby's suspension, he'd cheerfully accepted extra duty, frequently asked about Bobby, and was one of the first detectives to offer a testimonial on Bobby's behalf, although Logan dryly observed that any recommendation from him might not carry much weight with the Brass.

"Ok," Alex said.

Logan led her to an empty interrogation room. "Look," he said. "I'm just going to tell you this. I don't know what Goren will do, or Ross." Logan shrugged his shoulders. "After you left last night, Goren opened his desk and found a dead rat in it."

For a moment, rage blinded Alex.

"Eames…You ok?"

Alex glared at Logan, who took a step back. "You…you saw it?" she asked through clenched teeth.

"Eames…Remember…I'm just the messenger," Logan said nervously. "Yea…I saw it…And I saw Goren pick it up, put it in the trash, and carry it out of the office. While he was out of the office, I told Ross."

Alex sat heavily on one of the plastic chairs. "What…what did Ross do?"

"I saw him talking to Goren when the big guy got back…But I got the sense that Goren was…well…resigned…Almost like he expected…or deserved…it."

"Oh, God," Alex said softly. "He…after what I…"

"I got him to get a drink with me." Logan chose to ignore Alex's words. "He was worried about you mostly…We came to the conclusion it wasn't someone in Major Case…I told him that the two of you have a great partnership…One worth saving…Having been in so many," Logan said sadly. "I know something about that…When he left the bar, I thought he might be ready to talk to you."

Alex couldn't get her mind beyond the rat. "Who…Logan…Did you see who…"

Logan shook his head. "No…If I had, parts of him would be all over the squad room. And, like I said, Eames, I really don't think it was anyone from Major Case. I can't imagine anyone…Or maybe I don't want to imagine anyone…"

Alex stood and stared out at the squad room. "I…I don't want to think that either…I've worked with these people…some of them for longer that the time I've been with Bobby…"

"It musta been one of Stoats' friends," Logan said bitterly.

"Or Copa's," Alex said wearily. "Or any number of cops Bobby has put away, or showed up, or annoyed." She folded her arms and stared at the table. "I always tried to warn him …but it's caught up to him…He's down and they're kicking him…"

"You too," Logan said softly.

"Maybe," Alex said. "But the truth is, I'm a lot tougher than Bobby." She smiled. "I had a better foundation." She looked up at Logan. "Where is he?"

"I was afraid you'd ask that," Logan said. "When I got in this morning, Goren was in Ross' office. And neither of them looked very happy."

A weight settled in Alex's stomach.

"Look, Eames," Logan said. "I'm telling you this because Goren probably wouldn't…And he probably wouldn't have told Ross…"

"Yea…He probably would've just walked away…thinking he was protecting me…" She ran a hand through her hair. "God, Logan…I don't know what to do…It's two steps forward, and three steps back with him."

Logan sat on the table's edge. "Look…I'm not one to give advice about partnerships…Although Wheeler has come back…but I'll tell you what I told Goren last night…You two have something great…And you're two of the good guys…I'd like to see you win…So, if there's anything I can do…"

"Thanks, Logan." Alex stood. "Really, thanks…If only for telling me and letting me run my mouth off…"

Logan followed her into the Squad Room, where Alex was grateful that only a few curious eyes watched her. As she walked in the office, Alex saw a pale Bobby emerge from Ross' office. Ross, standing in his office door, looked as grim and sad as Alex had ever seen him. Bobby walked quickly to his desk and, without looking at anyone, began a close examination of one of the files on his desk. He was dressed in one of his best suits, his hair neatly combed, and his face free of stubble. But the suit hung loosely on his frame, and there were dark circles under his eyes.

"He probably got even less sleep than I did last night," Alex thought. As she approached their desks she sadly realized that Bobby was oblivious to her presence. She remembered when she and Bobby were so in sync that they seemed to know when the other entered a room. Alex hesitated for a moment, and then turned towards Ross' office.

"Detective Eames," Ross said wearily.

"Captain," Alex replied, proud that she was able to control her voice. "I think we need to talk."

Bobby moved quickly and efficiently through the files on his desk. Ross wanted to ease him back into work with a review of several cases. "But now," Bobby thought. "They may be the last cases I work for Major Case." One part of his overactive brain wondered where Alex was, while another considered the possibility Alex might not appear at work on this day. "Should I even talk to her," Bobby thought. "I owe her that much…at least…She needs to know she might be in danger…"

A shadow fell over his desk, and a startled Bobby stared up at Alex. His heart fell as he realized he was so out of sync with Alex that he wasn't aware of her presence until she stood in front of him.

"Uh…Good morning," Bobby ventured.

"So." Alex plopped down on her chair. "Where's my coffee?"

Bobby's pen hesitated in mid-flight. He glanced at Alex with a combination of confusion and fear. "I…I…I wasn't sure…that I should pick up any…"

"You didn't even get any coffee for yourself," Alex commented. "And I bet you didn't get any breakfast."

Bobby couldn't look at her. "Uh…no…"

"C'mon," Alex said. "You buy me some coffee…and yourself some breakfast…" She took a deep breath. "And we can talk…"

Bobby glanced away from Alex, and saw Ross standing in his office's doorway. The Captain gave Bobby a subtle nod.

"Uh…" Bobby stared back at his desk and tried to quell the rising panic inside of him. This was it. This was one of those times when something would happen, something would be said, and nothing would be the same. And all of the consequences that Bobby could see were very bad. "Don't go," he thought. "Stay here. Just keep it this way. Don't say or do anything. Then maybe she'll stay. It won't be the same, but at least you'll get to work with her…until she leaves. Or gets hurt because of you…" His mind froze.

"Bobby…C'mon." She was already standing and waiting for him.

"Uh…Ok…"

He followed her out of the squad room like a man being led to his execution.

END PART FOUR


	5. Chapter 5

PART FIVE

They didn't speak while they were in the elevator—Bobby moved to the farthest corner away from Alex—or as they walked to the coffee shop. It would be an exaggeration to say they walked together, as Bobby moved slowly at least one step behind Alex. She walked steadily to the shop, but shot glances behind her to make sure Bobby followed her. When they arrived at the restaurant, Alex chose a table in a far corner, and it was only after he sat that Bobby realized his chair was back against a wall. Unless Alex moved out of his way, there was no escape route for him except for climbing over the table. He sat silently and numbly as Alex ordered for both of them. The morning rush was over, and they were out of the sight of the other patrons. Their coffee and food arrived, but Bobby paid little attention to the latter.

"Bobby," Alex said gently. "You need to eat."

He stared at his hands and wondered why she cared about his food consumption.

Alex felt pity for him. "Logan…I ran into him this morning…He told me about…that thing in your desk."

Bobby started.

"And I talked to Ross," Alex said. Only the slightest shaking of her voice betrayed her feelings. "He told me…about what you did this morning…"

Bobby moved his fork from one side of his plate to the other.

"You were going to talk to me about these things, weren't you, Bobby? Because they have something to do with me."

"I…I…" Bobby's spoon joined in the dance with his fork. "Yes…the…the rat…I was going to tell you about that…Because…that…that may mean you're in danger…"

Alex steadied her nerves by taking a long drink of coffee. "But…You were just going to leave? Not say anything…" In spite of her efforts, anger and sorrow edged into her voice.

"Oh, God," Bobby said after a moment. He rubbed the back of his neck. "Everything…I…I…just…Eames…It's all gone so wrong…I…I…"

Alex thought he might try to leap over the table. "Oh, God," she thought. "What have I done to him…"

"Robert Goren," Alex said firmly. "Listen to me. Do something you don't do enough and listen to me."

"I…I do listen to you, Eames," he said sadly. "It's…It's just been so hard to hear you lately. There's…there's so much in my head."

"Bobby," she said. "We have to talk to each other. We get in trouble when we don't talk to each other."

"I…I couldn't," Bobby stammered. "I…the Chief…Ross…God…Eames…I wanted to…When I saw you at the diner…I wanted to tell you everything…but…I couldn't…"

"I…I know that. I've already yelled at Ross," said Alex. Bobby's obvious distress had eased some of her anger, or at least the anger directed at Bobby.

"Please…Please understand…" He didn't look at her, but leaned forward in his chair. "I…I didn't think…You're right about that…I was too focused on getting my badge back…but one of the reasons…the main reason…I…I had other job offers…But…" Bobby looked at her for the briefest of moments, and the grief and fear in his eyes shook her to her core. "You…You're the best…God…Eames…If…If I ever…ever ignored you…I'm sorry…You…You've never just been my water carrier…Alex…"

The sound of her first name in his voice shocked her.

"I want to work with you…Nobody else…And…And if I can't…I don't want to work for the Department…"

"So…You're putting all of this on me?"

"No! No!" He shook his head. "That's not what I meant…Please…Damn…You're the one person I don't want to hurt…And all I do…is hurt you…keep you from advancing…put you in danger…"

"Bobby…"

He didn't hear her.

"And now…I know what the Department means to you…And I've cut you from it…And…And you're in danger…I…I…

Alex feared he was about to completely break down. She seized one of his hands. "Bobby. You are not responsible for everything that's happened to me. Any more than I'm responsible for everything that's happened to you." She steeled herself. "What do you think has been going on with me? You're the best partner I've ever had. You've got the most dazzling mind. Truth is, there are a lot of times I don't mind being your water carrier."

He stared at her and didn't try to pull his hand away.

"The thing that scared me…that really made me angry…was…I coulda killed you, Bobby." She tightened her grip on his hand, and, for the first time, her voice completely failed her. "My partner…my best friend…I coulda killed you."

Bobby gripped her hand. "I…I shoulda told you…The hell with the Chief and Ross and the badge…I shoulda told you…But getting the job back…Getting back to work with you…Alex…When I saw you…I knew…Ross told me you caught the case…So I thought…hoped…that you'd be there…and you'd save me…Like you always do…I'm sorry…I'm so sorry…"

"So…you were just going to leave? That's how you tell me you're sorry?"

"I…Look," Bobby swallowed. "I can do something else…Work somewhere else…"

"You had five months to get another job," Alex said.

"I…I know…Dr. Olivet…Deakins…Even Ross…They all told me that…But this…It's the best job I've ever had…And…And I'm good at it…Or at least I used to be good at it."

"I think you still are," Alex said softly.

"Like I've said…This job…I stay with it because of you…Please understand…I'm not laying this on you…But I've decided…It's not worth it…If you're not my partner…And that's not worth anything if it puts you in danger…But…please…I was going to talk to you…I didn't submit my resignation…I want…I needed…I hoped that…Maybe…Maybe…" He stared at their hands. "I…I value you more than anything…As a cop….As a person…I can't tell you what you mean to me…"

He couldn't say any more. His heart pounded as if he'd just finished a race. "This is it," Bobby thought. "All she's done for me…I can't ask her to do any more." He waited for her to pull her hands away from his and walk out of his life.

"Wow," he heard Alex say. "Look at that…Like ten steps forward."

He raised his eyes to meet hers and saw that her eyes glistened with tears. "I…I'm sorry…I keep…"

"Don't you do it, Bobby," she said firmly. "Don't apologize for doing what I want you to do." She wiped her eyes with her right hand, but kept her left holding Bobby's hands.

"You…you know that you could be a target if you stay as my partner," Bobby said softly.

"Oh, I don't know about that," Alex said, steel entering her voice. "I don't think that anyone who goes around sneaking rats into desks has got much in the way of guts."

He looked at her in wonder, and Alex fought off tears when she saw the gratitude in his eyes.

"You know," she said. "I do owe you an apology."

Stunned, he stared at her, and she smiled at him.

"Yea, Bobby, there are moments when I owe you an apology. I said things to you outside that cell…Some of them needed to be said…But not there and not at that time. I understand…You were undercover…Under orders…" Her free hand returned to cover his. "I ruined your great homecoming."

Bobby's mind reeled with the idea that not only was Alex staying with him but that she seemed happy about it.

"Why is it," Alex asked. "You can get into everybody's head but mine and your own?"

"I don't have the right to get into yours," he answered quickly. "You're not a perp."

"And I'm not that complicated…"

"No!" Bobby raised his free hand, but stopped before he slammed it on the table. He took a deep breath. "Alex…Please…Whatever happens…" He waved his large paw. "I trust you…You're the most amazing person I've ever met. You're…You're smart…You're tough…And you…you don't get all messed up and lost in everybody's head…Especially your own. You…You have a sense of right and wrong…You don't confuse things…You could never be a cop…like Stoat…You don't have a sense of entitlement…You have a sense of service…Of vocation…What I am…What I do…Alex…I…I don't know what I'd be if I hadn't met you…" His voice broke, and Alex couldn't look him in the eyes. "I'm sorry…I'm sorry I've taken from you…and I haven't given you…But know…know that I trust you…It's just…so hard…to trust…But you've made me a better cop…a better person…I…I want to be a better person…because of you…"

He bent his head, and, through her tears, Alex saw tears fall from his cheeks to the table.

"He does get it," she thought. Her heart leaped from the depths.

"Bobby," she squawked.

He raised his head.

She tried again. "Bobby." This time it came out as a squeak.

Bobby looked as if he might jump from his chair. "Alex…Are you all right?"

Alex rested her head on her hand and laughed. "Bobby…I'm sorry…You said all those wonderful things…and I can't even get your name out."

Her hair fell over her face and she smiled at him through its silky veil. Bobby felt almost whole again, and tentatively smiled back at her.

"You know," he said after a moment. "It's still going to be dangerous to be around me."

"Lots of people will be watching our backs," she said confidently. "The sheer number of people in my family that are in the Department will take care of that…And plenty of people owe us…Better yet…They like us."

"You," Bobby said gently. "They like you."

"Don't, Bobby," she chided him. "Don't underestimate what you mean to people. A lot of people…"

He stared at their hands. "I guess…I guess this means we're partners again."

"We always were partners," Alex declared.

"Yea…" Bobby said. He was finally able to hold Alex's gaze. "It isn't going to be easy. I'll try…I'll really try…But it's really hard for me to trust…All my life…A lot of it goes against it…"

"I trust you," Alex said. "You just need to do the same with me."

"Ok…Ok…" he breathed.

Alex stood. "C'mon, partner. We got bad guys to catch. Go get us some coffee to go. You can be my coffee carrier."

He smiled at her, a smile that came from all of him. "Anytime…"

END


End file.
